Sunday, November 29, 2009

A Bombardment of Thoughts

What do you do when you're suddenly hit with an overwhelming feeling of insecurity, worthlessness, helplessness, not being good enough, ugliness and every horrible feeling you can imagine?

I'm sure everyone gets it once in a while... or maybe not, if you're that self-assured. Either way, I'm definitely not a very self-assured person and get hit with this once in a while. Sometimes it's triggered by something and other times it's not.

It's more or less everything that I worry about in one go. I'm bombarded with a range of unhappy thoughts that leave me feeling like I just want to crawl under the covers and never surface. It's like getting hit by everything in my subconscious mind in one tidal wave.

It's thoughts like.. am I going to make enough for my trip to Japan? Why am I so restless? What's going to happen when IT happens? Why do I care so much? I shouldn't but I do. And every time someone talks to me about it or anything related to it then I get really bitter. Why can't I change this about them? What happens if I stop trying?

I figured that a good way to keep all these thoughts at bay is just to keep myself occupied. Having an event everyday gives me a purpose, a goal for the day. It's kinda a 'Get this done and you haven't wasted your day' thing. Looking at my calendar and seeing something written for everyday makes me feel like I'm a healthier person.

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